I checked for texts from my wife as I walked into the Everything Your Pet Deserves Super Store. They have more types of birdseed than bread at the grocery store. Fortunately, she did text me with the one she wanted. As I turned to head to the cash register, I looked up and saw Jerry, an old friend from yoga class, headed my way.
“Robert!” He called out. “Hey, how are you? Long time no see. Nice to see you. So how are you, anyway?”
“Good, good, Jerry. And you?”
“Awesome! You heard about the prison thing, right?”
“Of course! It’s awesome!”
“I know, right? And exploding all across the country. Last I heard, since that first guy came out yesterday morning, there have been 347,281 other inmates that have identified as innocent. Can you imagine?”
“I know, right?”
“I just heard on the radio there are ‘Right to be Innocent’ celebrations breaking out all over.”
“I heard that. And there are “Free The Innocent” marches everywhere too. By noon there won’t be a stitch of yellow ribbon or a yellow rose left anywhere.”
“Wow! But the best is, did you see the Senator from California they interviewed? The way he teared up when he said, ‘Just like you and me, they were born innocent.’ That really choked me up.”
“Right? OMG, it really hits home, doesn’t it? They were born that way!”
“And the money it’ll save! We’ve been wasting $50 Billion a year on incarcerating these poor souls. $50 Billion a year! And that doesn’t even include the cost of the courts, parole boards, law enforcement, bureaucratic nightmares like the Sex Offenders Registry, etc. etc. etc.”
“I know, right?”
“After we convert the prisons to something that actually helps society, we can use that money to help them catch up on the years they lost, the years we stole from them.”
“Right? Like gender-affirming therapy, housing—whatever. I’m glad it’s finally over, but we do owe them. And I am not talking free phones here.”
“Oh my God, no! We are talking reparations here, a million dollars each. No, no wait, a million dollars ain’t what it used to be. Five million. That’s only right, five million dollars. They deserve that much!
“I know, right?”
“But hey, back to what’s up with you. That seed you’re buying is the best stuff on the market. I didn’t even know you had birds.”
“We don’t. This morning my wife identified as a canary. I’m just picking up lunch.”